Darcy's Dream
by Twonk
Summary: Or rather, my dream about Darcy, and a very 'different' version of how he rejected Elizabeth at that first ball. I'll give you a clue about how weird it was: it was a musical. Please read, review, and get me some psychological help. Rated T for language.


**_A/N All you "Pride and Prejudice" lovers out there will probably be thinking wtf. But I had to do it. It came to me in a dream… And for once I'm not lying. Please review! (But only if you want to). Oh, and by the way, imagine these characters as they look in the television series. You know, Colin Firth and all that._**

**Bingley: **[walks up to Darcy in crowded room]Come Darcy, I must have you dance. I hate to see you standing about by yourself in this stupid manner.

**Darcy: **You know you _really_ irritate me when you talk like that. [Sigh]

**Bingley:** Like what, Darcy old friend?

**Darcy: **Like, and this is putting it eloquently, you have a poker rammed up your arse. [Smirks]

**Bingley: **[Really confused] I'm sure I don't know what you mean.

**Darcy: **Fine, I'll play it your way. As for the dancing, I certainly shall not. You know how I detest it. Your sisters are engaged and there is not another woman in the room, of whom it would not be a punishment for me to stand up with.

**Bingley: **Wha'?

**Darcy: **I _said _I'll play it your way, but you've never been good at the game, have you Bingley? [Shakes head] What I _meant _to say was…

**Bingley: **Yes?

**Darcy: **All the women in this room are ugly bints.

**Bingley: **[Gasp] Upon my word! Surely you are mistaken Mr Darcy, for there are several of them who are uncommonly pretty.

**Darcy: **Who paid you to say that?

**Bingley: **Mary? Five pounds.

**Darcy: **Then you are uncommonly easy to bribe, Bingley old man, for I would not say that that Mary Bennet was attractive for all the pounds in the Bank of England.

**Bingley** : [Irritably] It wasn't the money, Darcy. I kinda-

**Darcy: **None of that hip hop language around _me_ thank you.

**Bingley: **[Deep breath] I apologise. No, It's just I feel slightly sorry for her.

**Darcy: **[Manic laughter] Sorry for _Mary Bennet? _What in God's name for?

**Bingley: **[exasperated] Well, _look_ at her. Look at her sisters!

**Darcy: **What about them? [Looks at Jane Bennet]. Oh _her. _Well, in that case, you are dancing with the only handsome girl in the room.

**Bingley: **[Dreamily] She's fit ain't she? [Recovering himself] But look! Over there is one of her sisters! She is very pretty, and I dare say, is very bang-a… _agree_able. Do dance with her. I'm sure you won't regret it!

**Darcy: **[Sighs] Let's take a look at the damage. [Sees Elizabeth, sitting down, her long dark hair and 'fine eyes' looking very becoming] Oh, that. She is tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt _me_.

[Elizabeth stands up, very OOC, and a lot more aggressive than usual. Don't blame me, blame the dream]

**Elizabeth: **Pardon sir, but I hope you did not just slight me.

**Darcy** : I did young madam, and not without cause. Don't get me wrong, you're okay to look at, but only for a one night stand.

**Elizabeth: **I beg your pardon?

**Darcy:** Well, no one's going to want to catch sight of _that_ visage in the morning.

**Bingley: **[ridiculously excited] Oooh! This is turning into a right little _Eastenders _drama!

**Darcy: **You be qui- a _what?_

**Bingley: **_Eastenders? _[shrugs] Oh, it's a futuristic thing.

**Darcy: **[interested] What is it, may I ask?

**Bingley: **[Worried glance at Elizabeth] Nothing. Don't worry about it.

**Darcy: **No, I insist that you tell me!

**Elizabeth: **Oi, you! Darcy!

**Darcy: **[turns around, infuriated] What? What is it that you want? I've already told you you're ugly, so back off! Go find Wickham!

**Bingley: **Darcy, let me remind you about how we _speak_ in 'Pride and Prejudice'. Each word has to be carefully sought out, and-

**Darcy: **Think of this as the 'futuristic' version.

_**[ A/N If any of you are seriously confused, believe me, I was too]**_

**Bingley: **But… But…

**Elizabeth: **Mr Darcy, I haven't finished discussing my business with you, and…

**Darcy: **[seriously bored of the whole thing] What else is there _really _to add? I've told you what I think, you've told me a bit about what you think… you're lucky you're getting any say at all. Being a woman and all that.

**Elizabeth: **Mr Darcy!

**Darcy: **[staring up at ceiling in the most sarcastic way possible, and mumbling] _U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi… _

**Elizabeth: **Right, you asked for this…

[The music starts- tune is _Fuck you_ by Lily Allen]

Look inside

_Look inside your stupid mind_

_I hope you're disgusted._

'_Cos you are so rude_

_And now you are screwed_

_Yeah, you're gonna get busted!_

_So you moan_

_I'm a bit of a crone_

_Well, I'll give you my review_

_You make me so sick_

_You're one helluva Prick,_

_I hope you get swine flu!_

_Fuck you! _

**Bingley: **_Fuck you!_

**Elizabeth: **_Fuck you very, very muuuuuuuch_

'_Cos everyone hates you,_

_They want to castrate you,_

_So please don't stay in touch!_

_Fuck you,_

**Bingley: **_Fuck you!_

**The entire room apart from Darcy: **_Fuck you very, very muuuuuuuuuch_

_We find you so boring,_

_We can't stop us yawning,_

_So please don't stay in touch!_

[Apparently having heard enough, Darcy walks over to the gramophone, takes off that record and puts on a new one. Everybody stops singing, and stares at him in silence. Lizzy is red with exertion]

**Darcy: **[unruffled]Completely ironic really.

**Elizabeth: **And what 'completely ironic' would that mean?

**Darcy: **What I find completely ironic, is that we end up, not only in love, but married at the end of the book.

**Elizabeth: **Never. I will never marry you.

**Darcy: **Believe me Eliza, I feel likewise. But apparently it's fate, made up by someone who is far greater than ourselves…

**Elizabeth: **You mean God.

**Darcy: **No, I mean someone even greater than God.

**Bingley: **Then who?

**Darcy: **That, my friend, is called a mystery. We may never find out.

**Bingley: **But I really want to know. I can't stand not knowing. I'll be thinking of it all night, then all day, then all night, then all-

**Darcy: **I tell you what. I'll take your mind off it. How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

**Bingley: **[bewildered] I… I'm not sure. I don't know. How?

**Darcy: **I'll tell you later. I bid you all farewell, and have a good night. [He sweeps from the room]

**Bingley: **Darcy! Don't go! You need to tell me how to… ARRRGH! I CAN'T STAND NOT KNOWING! OH THE ANTICIPATION! OH THE TENSION! OH THE.. THE… suspense…????

[pause]

DARCY YOU BASTARD!

_**And then my alarm clock went off and I have no idea why because it was the weekend. At least it didn't cut me off mid dream. Or maybe it would have been better if it had… Why the hell am I dreaming about P&P anyway?**_


End file.
